You can’t get a cold sucking my dick. I said this to my girlfriend this morning. I said this because I have a cold, and I hate colds, and I sort of figured having my dick sucked would counter act the cold. "The whole Yin and Yang thing", I explained to her, "in the interest of keeping the balance" I say. After being denied my influenza fighting fellatio my thoughts wandered to the whole concept of balance. Balance, that is… according to James Spillane.
I hate blogs, but I like journals.
I hate dessert but I love diner… etc.
And I sat there really mulling it over. You have to do this. It is a sort of way to weigh out life, to weigh out your future, a place where everything has to be Libra. But instead of finding the balance, I decided to just make a list of things I don’t like, and that would be the balance, a sort of things to avoid list. I was having so much fun at this that Amber jumped up, slapped me for the blowjob comment, and told me that I wasn’t funny and began join me on this little endeavor.
1. Reality TV shows, this is horrible, in the future our grandchildren are going to identify us by this ugly truth, "grandpa, weren’t you alive when the world went through that whole reality TV obsession." But worst part is how stupid it is getting, when you start following around veterinarians with cameras you have gone too far.
2. Commercials where every single person has some high tech gadget. Sort of alike a high tech future, except isn’t the future, it is really now, happening in some young hip college student’s apartment.
3. Rappers that kill people and then thank god at the Grammy’s. Oh yeah, and their fans. I hate you too.
4. While we are on rappers…I hate people that think " yo check it son, I’s got the shiznit on DL bling bling, yeah you know what Im saying" think that is an actual conversational piece.
5. I hate guys that run around on tv hurting themselves and then showing off there boo boos to women as some kind of prize. The whole punk skater aloof yet suggestive manner that says, " If you’re lucky you can fuck me. I am skater cool, see my mesh hat? See my police style ray bands…. Yeah those went out of style a long time ago…. Get it…. So now it’s in style. And by the way I started that trend. Yeah baby I have reached the crescendo of injury dependant comedic style. I don’t even have to use athletic ability to earn props. I just throw the skateboard at other people and they love me" (In a few years boys, you will know what I mean).
6. I hate girls that are prettier than me. (You know…. that one chick.)
7. Fat people who want disability. The way I see it they already get to eat whatever they want. Why the fuck should we pay them for it.
8. Whoopie Goldberg…. What is she a Rabbi with gas? And where the fuck are her eyebrows anyway?
9. Show business circles that are so carried away that I see Sharon Osborne interview her own children on her own show that spun off another show involving her family that spun off the fame of her husband who had multiple little shows on a major network and her daughter’s musical career
10. Homo Obsessive TV America will grace queer eye Ellen ok we get it. You dress better decorate better and you’re your comedic is far superior than to our straight ass crap.
11.Barabara Walter Jay Leon Collin Quinn…TV personalities with speech impediments. I am watching TV to not have to think. If I have to work to understand you blip turn the channel.
12. People who use chat room lingo in actual conversation i.e. LOL BRB (Chris I am looking in your direction)
13. People who yell out the answers to high school jeopardy
14. I hate lists.
Now I bet you are wondering where there is balance in all of this, well stay tuned next week and I/we, maybe even Chris, (who is now, funnier than ever) will be providing some "recommendations" to make your life (as well as ours) all the much better.