woke up at 3am and wrote this two weeks ago, don't remember a bit of it but decided to update


Imbibes: To drink/ To absorb or take in as if by drinking: “The whole body... imbibes delight through every pore”

First before I start, I want to explain my communication theory and as a writer and using words as a vehicle of communication, I think it is suiting. [my goal here is daunting, I want to explain the NOW. everything at this moment of thought, or at least the following moments of thought, some even historical, but all linking together in a string of events until you, (when referring to YOU in my mind right now YOU are a thirty-something-year old male who unfortunately happens to have a dull name like “Louis.” Louis, you aren’t happy with your job or what you have become, much like me and that is why you are reading this.) Louis these events are not only happening to me, but they are happening to you as well. These events these thoughts are buried in your bones, eating the very marrow of your pale pasty femurs and lucky for you I am going to try and lay out a blueprint as to how our minds work and what is driving us day to day so that others will understand.] And with that I will begin with my communication theory.

In 1974 I was born and until the present day, (well actually sometime last week) almost every thing that has come out of my mouth has been a conscience and sometimes subconscious effort of me exerting my will upon others. All my communication to this point has been merely a way to make myself look cooler, more intelligent, stupid, funny, happy, sad, guilty, strong, or what ever I was feeling or believed in and wanted the world around me to believe or see. It is all a fraud and I will explain. You see, when I say “it is cold out,” it is me trying to get you to believe that I am cold, to understand that I am cold at this very moment. When I am holding a cell phone in my hand and my girlfriend (she left me months ago) asks me, “Who just called?” and I reply, “oh, it was nobody.” That is me trying to make her believe that there is another woman calling me. Purposely I am trying to lead her astray with this enigmatic gesture, but the truth behind this and all communication is the fact that I am forcing my will upon others. What people hear coming out of my mouth or in my writing is what I want them to see, or believe. My thoughts on war, tsunamis, presidents, history, women, are all exactly that, so much so that I find it utterly impossible to get to the very core and truth of my thoughts without them being bias to some degree to my health, security and well being. Communication is greedy and perhaps the only time I am truthful is in thought, deep inside my own head, bundled up and 100% protected from the outside world and even then I am plotting, thinking of ways to justify the things that I say and do, having fake arguments with myself, imaginary dialog over events that haven’t even happened yet. “Who am I and what do I really mean?” and this is the part that really scares me the most, because deep down in the molten lava core of my being is my real will, and the real truth. It is something hardwired into my psyche and the psyche of all humans and only makes sense in an animalist primitive way, a way in where bigger forcers are coming together and any willful act to fit in with society can to some extend be going against nature and utterly futile in the long run. So what is that truth?

I want to fuck, drink, eat, take, pillage, conquer, and be loved. Where the inner stain of a woman’s mind fabric might read more like: nest, gather, nurture (I am just guessing at this. I don’t have the slightest clue.)

Maybe I am getting a little off, let me try and break this down historically. From the beginning, as close to animalistic as we ever were, although standing upright with opposable thumbs and using tools, we were basically hunter gathers, but what was perhaps more distinctive about us as humans was our greed. Our greed was manifested itself in a form of will. Human will and an individual’s will. From the beginning the strongest took what he wanted from the weakest and mated with the most apt female at the time until eventually the next step was us becoming this sort of phalanx with a common but perhaps individualistic will enforcing our “collective” wants and needs upon rivals... fast forward to Mesopotamian times. The most powerful individuals soon adapted and figured out that there was a need for a more structured way to simple conquest, you couldn’t just take a club beat the guy over the head and take what you wanted... people as a whole were forming groups, thus religion was invented. A higher purpose, being, what ever you want to call it, but in the most simplistic form, there were actually leaders behind this and there main goal was to use others to accomplish there objective: more land food, wealth etc. and it worked. As “civilization” grew and kings became richer, conquering more land and amassing more wealth they knew the key to this was keeping the people happy, why, because they were the ones making this all possible. Make sure they have food, housing, olive oil and wine and just keep them happy while you keep reaping the benefits. And those closest to you helping you make this all happen, give them more and disperse power, if there demands are too high and threatening to your will in anyway, kill them. from the beginning religion, gods pagan and modern have been used to hide the truth behind what really is going on (helping the rich get richer and all that crap), as times change and people become godless the threats change to keep wheels turning and churning out the wealth for these select individuals. The words are changed, fear is the new god, and terrorism is the new threat and so on and so on. Perhaps I am getting away from what I really want you to extract from this.

In epitasis Louis, everything about you is fake. Get real. I want to help you Louis like I have begun to help others. (Take caution because even now I exerting my will upon you, I want you to believe in all of this, why? perhaps to make my life simpler in some way shape or form, but in truth I am trying my hardest to be noble with some moral compass in an effort to make your life better. Trust me because there is nothing left to trust.)

Take for example this movie that happens to be playing as I am writing this. Louis, you have to watch this movie it is utterly hopeless and serves no purposes. But as Confucius said, “Lose but don’t lose the lesson.” so we are going to take what we can from this movie and march forward.

The movie I believe is called, “Mad Love.” Chris O’Donnell (what ever happened to that guy?) falls madly in love with Drew Barrymore after voyeuristically viewing her from a telescope. From here we will begin to break down the movie and strip it to it to some sort of clay truth that we can work with. First of all, the movie moves entirely too fast with little plot. The two fall in love in a matter of days and some how Drew Barrymore ends up in a mental hospital. Chris O’Donnell is a 25 year old high school student who happens to be living right on lake Washington where property alone is worth a mil. and he wants to bone the shit out of Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore is hot and stupid and men do stupid things to fuck girls like Drew Barrymore. One day he ditches class and is taken hostage by this crazy slut. She then drives him hopelessly around Seattle weaving beneath the monorail pillars (to show her crazy carefree attitude) next they drive to a water fall, where Drew Barrymore decides to walk fully dressed into the glaciated waters in yet another effort to live life on the edge and Chris, being the dumb cunt he is decides to follow her into the water.

Louis, I ask you this, would you be going to high school if you were a 25 year old millionaire? Would you walk into a ball shrinking waterfall in order to fuck crazy Drew Barrymore or would you merely show her your waterfront property, fuck her on the deck while drinking a gin and tonic then kick her to the curb?

Everything about Chris is a lie. Every effort he makes, every sound that comes out of his mouth, every gesture is his way of showing Drew that he is a decent guy, and that she would eventually want to mate with him. His goals are simply natural and animalistic, he wants pussy, and he wants to bore her out, suck her clit and squeeze her nipples. By faking all of this and acting like something he is not, Drew Barrymore begins to destroy in entire life. I am not sure what happens next... glancing over at the television I see a car (unrealistically and exaggerated) skidding to halt, there are two guys punching each other, and now Chris O’Donnell is making a phone call.

Louis, why make your life hard? Don’t you think it would have been much easier that if in the beginning Drew Barrymore simply told Chris that she was out of her gourd? And that if Chris told Drew that he was not really in high school but likes to hang out there and fuck all the chicks.

The possibilities are limitless with “truth” because we take away all other possibilities, less tangibles equals’ forward movement. The truth is not flat or a carpenters square, there is no angle of attack. It is round and slippery. You hold it in your hand, you never slam it down upon the table, you place it, balance it... the truth rolls the fuck out when things aren’t straight. It is imbedded in our human fiber; we are animals for love and life. It is a matter of our universe, and these laws apply to us. Truth, why do you think the symbol for justice is a scale... truth is balance, with out it we are always falling apart.