ask spillane, a column stupid- I could have been better-I could have been somebody-at least I am free


Dear James,
How come every time I show someone my snowboard, for some reason they grab it by the nose then push rigorously in the center. As if trying to crack it in half… why do they do this?

Sort of sincere Jeremy.


People who really don’t know that much about snowboarding tend to do this in an effort to A) Test the so called flex, and B) in some vain effort to make it look like they know a thing or two about snowboarding. There are many situations like these in life. Below are a few examples.

1. They guy at the pool table, who, when picking out his queue stick, rolls the it back and forth across the table, looking for so called imperfections. This person mostly has their ass handed to ‘em and later on, blames it on the table, cause lord knows its not the stick or the user.
2. The person who has to look down everything, one eye closed, checking to see if it is “straight” you will see this a lot when dealing with fire arms. The person will immediately pick up the firearm, and take a sight on something imaginary, pretend to kill it, then give you their quality assessment on the straightness/effectiveness of the rifle… stay away from this person, for they are dangerous.
3. The person who kicks that car tire. Don’t ask me.
4. The person who clicks a lot of things on your computer as if testing the speed and says “sweet” not knowing you are still using a Pentium one processor.
5. And my all time favorite: the person who sniffs the cork. You probably witness this every time you go out to eat. When you look at the next table over, and see the person is sniffing the cork, while gently rolling the wine around in a glass, (this is done for two reasons: 1) test the viscosity, and 2) speed up the breathing process…) This self appointed connoisseur doesn’t realize it is actually a bottle of cherry-apple-pine-strawberry-grape Mad Dog 20/20… you be the judge

Thanks, cheers, have a few beers…