12/14/2005

 

the chris holland first annual christmas mix cd

 

(in alphabetical order) caitlin, darby the dog, lisa and tarah:

you may be asking yourself right now, Ďwhat the hell is this and why did that weird guy tiff married send this to me?í. well, i am glad you asked. the reason is you have been randomly selected to receive the chris holland first annual (at least he plans it to be annual) christmas mix cd . thatís right, without expressing any interest whatsoever in receiving the chris holland first annual christmas mix cd, you are fortunate enough to be receiving it free of charge. but before you chalk this up as another blatantly obvious attempt for chris holland to get off Ďon the cheapí for christmas once again, i would like to have you consider the following. the selection process was an intense one. first , nearly 6 months ago, a list of over 5000 people was put together of people chris holland has known in his lifetime. each of those people were assigned a number, or weight, indicating 1) how nice they were 2) how nice they were to chris holland, and 3) how much money they have lent chris holland over the years. there were other calculations that were taken into account such as odds that the person would someday win the lottery or if that person had any famous friends. however, the first 3 items were the definitely the primary drivers in the calculations. next, chris holland began devising a formula for ranking each of the people based on merit. the biggest problem chris holland faced was trying to assign a quantifiable number to a qualitative experience, something which had not ever been attempted throughout history. soon, chris holland realized that this task was just too great. he realized he was focusing too much of his time and energy on this and neglecting other activities which so desperately required chris hollandís attention. thus chris holland outsourced this work to the chinese. the chinese proved to be quite adept at solving such matters and did so in a relatively short amount of time, surprisingly. it has been theorized that because the chinese have so many people, that most likely they have tackled this problem in some capacity in the past. for example, it widely agreed upon, or at least thought to be true, that the chinese kill every girl baby that is born. now i know you are thinking that this is impossible because eventually they would not be able to have anymore chinese if there were no girl babies allowed to live. and thatís why i am pretty sure they just say that they kill all of the girl babies, but donít really mean it. they probably do kill most of them, but to decide who lives, they probably use a formula similar to mine to rank which ones are the good ones and which ones it is ok to let go. anyways, enough about that. this is christmas and christmas time is supposed to be about joy, right? besides, i would never suggest that by receiving the chris holland first annual christmas mix cd that it is somehow of equal importance to life and death. that is totally absurd. i think most would agree it is a close second, but by no means is it more important. anywho. to make a long story short, after the rankings were calculated, you four were selected as the most worthy to receive the chris holland first annual christmas mix cd. i wonít say in which order each of you four placed, but you should feel very honored and proud of yourselves for your accomplishment. now keep in mind, i understand that some people might be jealous of your accomplishment. i can only hope they understand that not everyone can be top four. just because they didnít make the final 4, doesnít mean they are not good people. the system is not absolute. there does seem to be some evidence that there may be a slight problem with the calculations. for example, after ranking each of the 5000 people, lauren anders somehow managed to get a score of somewhere around 1.5 million. now given that there were only 5000 people ranked, it does seem odd she scored so low. also, i am not really sure how darby the dog somehow finished in the top 4 four. i mean darby is a nice dog and all, but for darby to place ~1.5 millions places ahead of lauren does seem a bit strange. oh well, the numbers donít lie. darby is top four, therefore darby get the cd. lauren Ė better luck next year. but that shouldnít concern any of you lucky people. you have earned your place in the final 4. your good deeds have not gone unnoticed. so keep up the good work being nice to everyone, chris holland in particular. if you play your cards right, you just might be in line to get another cd this time next year.

merry christmas.