I don’t know if you know who this next story is by, but I think it is important to give you all a little background. If you just happened to be watching David Letterman last week, that one show where he asked the one of the camera grip men (actually a writer on the David letterman staff, the whole thing was staged) to come down onto the stage and read his top ten list... well this guy is our contributing writer today. (What is today? It is February isn’t it? Amazing how the time flies.) Any-who, that doesn’t matter, what matters is that this guy is pretty bad ass. To make things make sense for you-the-reader, let’s just say he is the only writer ever in the history of writing to be sponsored by a major snowboarding/sunglass/clothing company. Can you believe that? A writer being sponsored by no other than Oakley! Anyways, check him out. And while you are at it, check out www.johnnyamerica.net and then after that send me all your credit card information. I love you all...
Chris Jergeson
wrldmrine asshole
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BY WRITER X
In the dry summer of 1994, I met Reynaud Messier in Santa Cruz, California. He applied for work in my kitchen as an advertising copywriter, anxious to exit the dog grooming game. I let him write a small ad. It worked. I encountered Reynaud again six months ago on a stormy night at the Bourgeois Pig. He was in the act of spitting on owner Russ Livingston's shoes when I called him over. Amazingly, he'd managed to hang on in the copywriting business--barely; through deep discounts and by targeting newly-immigrated merchants--and was passing through Lawrence en route to St. Louis, where "...great chances awaited, like the blonde sofa."
"Passing through" lasted for seven months and the St. Louis deadline evaporated--Reynaud served as artist-and-milker-in-residence at a goat dairy near Lecompton. He has a way with animals.
Reynaud left Kansas for New York City two months ago--"Too much the HOT, too much the goat!" he explained--and has opened This Stinking Cats in the Bronx, a business modeled after the full-service car wash (you can walk along the windows and watch your cat being washed). This venture immediately caused some controversy: the SPCA isn't sure about the assembly-line bathing process (the cat-handlers are massive, stone-faced bodybuilders clad completely in black rubber--including hoods and mirrored glasses--who use high-pressure sprayers to wet down and rinse the cats. "The effect of loofah!" Reynaud shouts over the impossibly loud blare of the Plasmatics. Animal rights groups have also objected to the drying system (the cat is strapped into a restraining harness in front of a fan obtained from the Columbia University Wind Tunnel; drying the largest and wettest of cats takes no more than eight seconds).
Despite the controversies, Reynaud reports that business is excellent: "The peoples are liking it because they tell that this cat is behaving very nice for this groomings, very puffy, and quiet for many day."
But there is more to Reynaud than animals and "is-it-sass?" In Europe, Belgium in particular, he is well-known as a maverick Performance and Installation Artist. I had a lengthy email from Reynaud a while back, prior to his new business venture, which detailed a recent art project he committed in New York City:
Hallo X writer!
"Fuck you, asshole!" (this is the shouting for me by one tiniest, most lovely--the LOUD!-- grand-maman, for the accidents of pushing upon her in the boulevard).
I am in New York City.
Not so HOT.
Also, at last, this is the finally speaking of goat. I have make the ultimate finish with this beast. In this Lecompton Kansas, I am working with the goat for many the month and one time, in suddens, I am knowing that I am liking this goat only when they are asleeping.
And so, I am learning of the CHLOROFORM. And because I am Frenchman, I must the creations, and so I invent this tableaux. At night, in my huts, I am administer this chloroform for this snouts of goats--warning: the goats are not liking this--and when the goats is asleeping, I have arrange them in tableaux. To begin, only the funny thing (the pickings of the nose, the ballet), and then I make interest of the scene of History (example: this Washington in the boat named Delaware).
I am also beginning only with the simple costume; I make only the simple "racks" for the supporting of goats in correct posture. But I am not speaking of this tableaux for "The Boss." I catch nervous he get mad to me for asleeping his goat, or for thinking I am making the degradations with this goat. (Yes! Sometime the people do!) But one night he is catch me (my heart is DEAD!), and--nice surprisings!--he is liking very much this goatish tableaux, and is retrieving one camera for make photo. Then he invite many friend.
Then are coming "newspapers" and also making many the photo, and I am sad and tired for the milking and the chore in the day, and this tableaux always for the night.
Then I am receiving one invitation for coming to New York City for request of this "WHITNEY" for making some "installation", this "Seven Tableaux of the Sleeping Goat." (I must tell you now of falsehoods: that "Whitney" is not staying in this place, and also not even one "Bobby Brown." I think they are tricking the peoples for coming in, and making this "cover charge." I say: Beware).
And so, for escaping this always tired, this Lecompton HOT and the constant of goat, I accept this invitation. This mystery of "Whitney" is sending for me one ticket for the "first-class" aeroplanes, and making for me one "big budget."
I am liking this, therefore I inspire.
My inspiration for The Seven Tableaux Of Sleeping Goats:
1. This "Los Angeles Riots", (100 goat! the true fires!).
2. The "Basic Instinct" (of Mme. Sharon Stone and the open leg).
3. "In the Home of Jerry Garcia" (many the lava lamp plus patchoulis).
4. This "Houston 500" (not allowed).
5. "Visitation of the Oval Office" (with Mme. Lewinsky and blue dress).
6. "The Death of Leonardo DiCaprio" (some nannies aweeping and TWO TON of this goat "manures").
7. "Tiger Wood at Masters" (also requiring many goat for "gallery").
8. "Pink Live!" (Is trick--is one CD. This goats are not truly making sounds).
I get problem for this "Los Angeles Riots"--so many the goat, so much the chloroform in the atmospheres, and for this are many the fancy Arty Patron going for the floor with snoozings. And also for "Leonardo di Caprio" (yes, the smellings), and "In The Home of Jerry Garcia" (I am BAKE! many day!). This "Pink Live!" is good, for this Pink is very much resembling the goat. Also I am very tired too for this "Los Angeles Riots" and "Tiger Wood at Masters"--so many the goat, and sometime they are awakings too early. Therefore I must make for always PATROL with this chloroform, and not once am I sitting for two week, the day and the night, with only the goat, like before Lecompton. I am not liking this.
(This invisible "Whitney" is asking for one ENCORE of Tableaux, but I refuse. I say she must ask me from her personal lips, no? Is the only right (but I am thinking she too is BAKE).
And so I am now to work with some cats--the aloof! with this claw! with this fang!, and with much mucus of nose. Revenge is mine (I make joke only). I shall wash this cats with the modern technologically, I shall inspire the avant-feline coiffure, and make too some nice adjustment, perhaps, to this cattish behaviors.
This yowlings! I detest! And this "furballs"--degoutant!
Also again I am working with one beast of this Brancusi eye; the eye of the DEVIL!
(Perhaps next time maybe I work some deers, but I catch nervous for this HORN).
And so, I have embark to make one chic salon du chat, and I am knowing now many people in New York City are living with some stinking cats.
Shall I go go boom?
Shall I become one "Doctor of Cats"?
I cannot tell. I am hoping this.
Tell me now: Is it true, X writer, that you are having one spare room? (I say three thing only: the cat, the chloroform and the Fed Ex—is good business!).
Are you doing? Does it swing?
Tell me of adventures.
Tant pis.
R.
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