Dear WRLDMRINE Headquarters,


You hassled me nearly every day last week, asking me to send something you could post on your web site. I promised to write something Thursday, but here it is Monday and I’m just starting this dreary submission + apology amalgamation. I’m at work now pretending to write complicated JavaScript functions that make text fly around the screen in complicated patterns that annoy users. I had in mind a fiction piece for you but as I said I’m at work now so I don’t have time to scribble proper fiction, and instead I offer an abridged list of activities of this weekend which delayed this fine submission to wrldmrine.com:

1. Got drunk and had anal sex with Jenny Gray, my next-door neighbor and kid sister of my third-best friend.
2. Rented The Wizard of Oz hoping to see the scene where supposedly there’s a man hanging himself in the background. Watched it four times but couldn’t spot it.
3. Jenny and I nervously ran into each other in the parking lot. We agreed we’d keep it a secret from her brother Derek and she apologized about the sheets. I wish she were old enough to drink.
4. A retro-analytical interpretation of The Wizard of Oz:
A. Dorothy’s swept away in a tornado, possibly symbolic or a wild party or a charismatic, reckless individual.
B. She wakes up in a dream world (new lover of her own sex) only to push into further unconventional territory, flourishing in a world of freaks, midgets, and synthetic body parts (‘the tin man’ who is in essence an electric motor fuck machine).
C. She is ‘over the rainbow’ in a ‘happy place’ – the homosexual overtones smack the viewer in the face.
D. Dorothy hangs out with men dressed is brightly-colored costumes who like to sing. See point C.
E. Dorothy longs to return to a normal, conventional life, but even the Wizard is unable to help. She ‘met’ so many interesting individuals and ‘saw so much’ that she could never forget where’s she’d been; she can ignore her new thoughts but they’re still there.
5. Rented Zardoz staring Sean Connery with my friend Derek (worst movie inspired by Wizard of Oz ever filmed?). We got drunk and had anal sex and now the other night with Jenny seems meaningless.
6. Told Derek about Jenny and he said I was “fucking sick.”
7. Tried to get sympathy head from Jenny but she said Derek and I had sinned against God and not to call on her again.
8. Rented Black Beauty. Human relationships are so complex sometimes I think about giving up on them.

This is an incomplete list, but I hope it’ll persuade you to excuse the tardiness of this contribution. I have had a lot of shit to deal with, as you can see. I love you guys and wish you all the best. Regards,

Jonathan Holley