3/1/2008

 

life

 

I donít like the response time of my computer, the fastest shiftiest computer I could buy with my new expandable income.
My thoughts move faster than her words. She yells at me and tells me I hurt her that I am insane. I study her bone structure and cry hidden.
There are points to prove and I move around them systematically.
My advantage is that I am Irish in ways and almost non-human but it has always caught up to me, this much I admit.
Sometimes I feel like a chameleon, or a mask that I wear all my life. I tell her and him and them all that they want to hear, my emotion never rising or dipping, just trying to fit inÖ sort of like, this is what it would feel like to be alive. To be her.
I kiss her when she is asleep because I donít know what else to doÖ I kiss her because I love her, her loving me. There must be something important about that. That is all I ever wanted.
I think about Gavin quite a bit, I think about him sliding down a road in Badour Belgium, him sick and puking up upon himself with diarrhea. Me pulling him up by his arms like something bigger and better a safety net of sorts. I think about love and the things I loved and all I can come up with is him. Running in the woods trying to wrap my mind around it and the hardness of loss. Andrea was an angel that I shit upon her and didnít see any of it coming, but I prayed so hard. Ran so hard. And I took him out into the woods and acted out the movie in my mind of what it would be likeÖ gavin ran and ran upon the trail and eventually it caught up to him. I donít think she ever got my expression, it was hard to get my expression. The best thing she could ever do was walk away.
Kim, your light is big, my gavin is happy. Donít let me express, slap me like a black mother upon a child, tame me, because all I need is love. Your love.