my last 3 years


It felt like falling asleep in some place comfortable. Sort of how you looked at all the bathrooms with their heat on and bright lights and doors that locked, sort of like going on camping trips with Andy Provchy back in boy scouts at all those thousand trails sort of stuff. The lodge houses looked good.. fire places and board games that we didn’t play but could given time.
It felt like going to check the mail in the post office with large stacks of unwanted junk mail over flowing stung across the counters and over saturating the garbage cans… those garbage cans had no dirt.
It felt like all those things. Then.
It felt like my history and my mother, my room, a large yard with trees that would bear fruit in the future, it only required patience. A blanket and a sucker of some sort.
It felt like everything in fast forward, my whole entire high school career a blur of hormones and looking at girls. College, dropping out of college, joining the army. More girls, beer, having my own room, sort of, writing, music, a collage of life.
Pictures and my camera a gun that I used all my life.
It felt like going to sleep, when I slept with her… we fooled around with the lights off in a bedroom that had nothing but a bed, in an apartment that had nothing but a computer. I am sure there were bright lights and board games that we would get used to playing with patience.
There was mail all thrown about the counter tops and the garbage was full of shit. My sister laura was dropping by every other day and dropping ill ilk.
Giving me shit like eggs, in the dozen that I would never eat. And my father was dropping by and leaving blocks of cheddar cheese. Good for them.
It felt like going to sleep the first time she came down. All the way from Alaska. Her left leg has a tattoo of a dolphin jumping over a peace symbol for crying out loud. Pulling her in late night at the legion, kissing her, taking her out to the best of the best houses we built, I built, a deck with the moon screaming across the sky, banging across the water, opening the bottle of wine with wind in our hair, a blanket pulled up to our chins… I was making the new places to sleep. The new comfort.
When I kissed her it was like high school, my hormones banging, taking her inside and pulling her pants off… slow slow slow down. She said… I kissed her again and thought about how cool it looked … are you sure she said., I said… a thousand trails a million bathrooms, bright lights and door that lock.
We made love on plywood.

A house that was built for a million-with-out-a-care. A house that was built in my own my mind. Two years later I fall asleep, that is what it feels like, and I push my hands out upon the night until I touch her back… I know her moles like the stars across the sky. I connect them… and think about all the places that we come from.
I think. As I kiss you. I think it feels just like falling asleep and oh god how I need it.