the fraction of a whole


Today we planned on running… well I was going to run a Kim was going to ride her bicycle so I went out into the garage to get the bike ready, to pump the tires to tighten the handle bars and brakes but because we made the decision to buy the bikes at Wal-Mart (we are not big bike riders) nothing on these two wheeled torture racks were safe… here is what followed

I went into the garage, turned the light on, and realized it was the wrong light, turned the other light on.
I walked over to the bikes and smashed one of my shins on peddles because our garage is a mess of which some sort animal trail runs down the middle.
Picked up the tire pump which literally fell apart in my hand (Wal-Mart)
Dug around and found my neighbors pump (thanks)
Managed to let all the air out of the tires while replacing none of it.
Decided to try and tighten the handle bars with the hex key set I just got (guess where)
Yanked too hard and snapped the key, which somehow broke the middle plastic axle like thing sending all off them to the ground jingling like a wind chime.
Walked out of the garage and realized that it had started to pour down rain

Afterwards I went inside and started to vent to Kim a little about my minor defeats and it is moments like these I think HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE ARE HAVING A KID!

The world doesn’t work right, I don’t work right and we are bringing a kid into it… there was no test or credit reports, I didn’t have to enter username and password only to find it was wrong, email support, respond and verify the drunken lettering at the bottom while remembering my mother’s maiden name. Nothing, zilch it is like god just gave us the keys to the car. “Here you go, take life for a spin, just make sure you bring it back clean and full of gas.” No offense, but “Jesus Christ” this is really happening and I never thought I would or could be pulled in so many directions all at the same time. I feel like a walking spectrum. A part of me wants to dive into the frigid cold ocean and just swim downward into the darkness, and of course I can breath underwater and there is some sort of sound track that only I can hear and I am just kicking around and practicing different local motions and trying to figure out which one is most effective and eel like and all the fish the whales and seals are all swimming around me and I wave to nonchalantly in that slow motion underwater way that I honestly believe I am communicating with them. Then there are other times when I am at work walking around, when I am on the lower floor just before the mezzanine that I just know that I am going to be lifted up off of the ground and begin floating around in the air and banging off the walls like Christopher Walken in the Spike Jonez video “bird of prey” only difference is that when it happens to me my feet will still be moving and swinging like a meant to keep on walking because I didn’t mean for this to start happing I didn’t mean to take off into the air and begin floating above all of your heads and scaring the shit out of you, hell, scaring the shit out of me… but I will try and enjoy this while it is happening I will try and make it look cool, like I know what I am doing.
Of course Kim and I planned to have a child. One day we said, “we should have child” and Kim stopped taking the pill, and we imagined a young Mozart, or Kevin Garnett and there were images of this young African German and us walking on beaches, perhaps fishing rivers… in many of my visions I had one of those chest packs with the young Mo-nett strapped to my chest, yes that is the one, the one were I am hiking along a trail and come across a bear, and of course the bear begins to attack and I am making decisions such as, defend Kim my love, or the baby which needs protecting, which is a soft little egg of a thing… and of course I make the correct and obvious decision and that is to protect both. I stand my ground on the trail and try my hardest to do that Crocodile Dundee thing and “will” the bear away, send him packing, or put him to sleep with my Jedi skills. Yes that is it! I am now learning something, most my visions and my thoughts all seem to have connections to nature. Having a baby is natural! Kim and I are doing something natural and it has been done a million times before, so why does it seem so impossible and extraordinary and against all odds. Why does it feel different? Why does it feel like we are the first people on the planet earth to experience this?

Part of it most is that we (me) didn’t grasp the reality of the situation while it is happening and most of the time I feel like I’m watching the movie of myself… of my life, and that nothing is real. I mean, Kim stopped taking the pill. We went to the doctor and he told his it takes around three months for the pill to clear your system and for things to get back to normal operating procedures. So we started having sex because that is how it happens, you have sex and you have a baby… then just a couple of weeks later on a whim Kim decides to get one of those home pregnancy tests. It is Friday, we get home open a bottle of wine and pour a few glasses and moments later Kim walks out of the bathroom grabs the glass of wine and pours it in the sink, “I guess I wont be drinking that!” and for a fraction of a second I started thinking of the “French paradox” and all the studies done on wine in relation to heart disease and it made no sense to me while Kim would want to forgo this healthy benefit…

“I’m pregnant!”

And just like that we are having a baby.

Possible video idea for my possible camera and possible son, possibly named Finnegan:
It would be a hip hop documentary narrated in the first person. First scene perhaps could be some grainy black and white footage of some inner city projects, with voice over, “I stared out, my life was arcade, surrounded by game.” In reference to growing up in the “game.” The camera then opens up onto Finnegan, show his youth, while Wu-tang blasts in the back ground… (Finnegan in is an infant still in a car seat.)

Other video idea: Finnegan the Reluctant Viking!
Early morning sun shining upon Finn… Finnegan is being filmed from a low angle, perhaps he is perched on top of a mountain surveying the land below in which he is a bit reluctant to rape and pillage even though it is his job as a Viking…

other ideas; standing on top of a pointed cliff like the Lion King, I hold him up into my hands… presenting the world “Finnegan, your new King” the crowd then breaks out into festival, pigs are being roasted on spits with apples in their mouths, piñatas are being whacked and split open spilling fruits and candies, drums are rhythmically pounding as people twist, turn and spin in reed skirts celebrating the birth of the king.