I spoke in my sleep last night. This is a big deal. I share my bed and my words are not falling on deaf ears. For me there are no bootless cries. Barefoot and innocent I am not, I can't even move without incrimination. These were sneaky, deceitful cries trying to give me away. Cries that sound like "I want more, I want more", repeated twice in my sleep. Who was I talking to? What did I mean?
Need more what?
More blankets, more sleep, more time, more friends, more lovers, more money, more sweaters, more work, more vacation, more experiences, more you, more me, more blood, more sex, more rum??
And you are falling into me. Scraping my insides as you go. Clawing at my guts as you try to get a grip on what the fuck is happening here. I wish you could fit yourself inside of me. We could hold real still and nobody would see you. But I think your shoulders are entirely too wide. Maybe if you just left a tiny piece of yourself behind. I could carry it around inside my uterus. It could attach to my wall and cling to me there like a barnacle on the side of a boat. I would feed and water it the way I feed and water my plants at home. Only I would be its home. Not succubus then, incubus? No…incubator. I will be an incubator! A life support system. I could be supporting your life. How strange is that. Me, a goddamn life support unit for someone else. Supporting his little oyster, stuck to my wall, it sounds freakish. Disgusting really. Like something out of Frankenstein. I can hear the mad doctor now "It's alive!! It's alive" and it's coming out. One minute I could feel it pawing at my insides, rolling around, wiggling its webbed toes and now it is turning my insides out. Ripping away from my body, my walls, as I am crumbling, folding inwards to release you again. Opening up as your wide, wide shoulders push their way through me as the last shred of our connection slides to the floor in an iridescent sack where you created a home. How could I survive that? Everything says its natural but it seems so unnatural. He has re-created himself inside me. And all I have left are these stretch marks on a body that was once so full.
|