I think I am going to go to pieces over all of it. Like running laps in in Belgium over and around hills with flowers out there in the woods all by myself. I would take Gavin all the time, he knows these woods, every once and awhile Andy would come out. My good friend Anthony Powers would join me. You should have seen all the deer hunters and pheasant hunters and bridges. The runs consisted of 5k, 10k and 15k. All woods. All the time getting lost.
There were these times when the forest floor was filled with these weird lupine like purple flower, I do not know their names I just ran through them. And when troubled souls would come to our house in Belgium, I would take them walking in the same forest, and when kids would come over to our house I would take them out into the woods and scare the fuck out of them, flashlights all dangling in fear running wild and comforting known tracks… until we made it back to our house all safe with the trampoline.
There was ancient like water springs, caves and all of these things. And I ran and ran all over them. I would think about bee stings in my esophagus, I would think about wild boars charging calves and hamstrings until I couldn’t think any more about all the things I could think about. Just running, 3 miles and 5 miles. I loved all the things I loved. I felt all the things I could feel.
10 years later I was in a car with Andy, and her talk was like this moon that came over me, I thought I love that voice, and it has weight. Much like all the hills that I ran over. But it is just noise.
I see gavin now, here and there. He is pieces that we have to put back together again. I see Kim and she is strong with my kids our kids. I am always in Belgium running. But when I run now I see them all, Kim and Gavin, and Finn, and Reilly, and, Andy… all there at the finish line.

Hey james, you did a good job, you were a good father, you were a great husband.