I was running all over the place, mostly in Belgium at the time. There were so many songs going through my head, I imagined them as theme music. Only a couple have escaped from that time.
There was the most beautiful forest behind out house.
(Insert picture of google earth)
I could just run out my door and enter the forest and run in all these different directions, there was a 5k loop, a 10k loop and a 20k loop. Sometimes there was hunters out there looking for fowl, sometimes there was mushroom pickers. It was life.
At the time I had one of the first MP3 players and it could hold an amazing 4 songs. It was this lithe little thing that you didn’t notice about the size of a hearing aid…
Now these moments I remember taking Gavin out there at 5 years old…on his bike and I just wanted to run… I would run and run and his legs would get tired.
“dad, my legs are tired”
“you are on your bike”
“but they hurt, I can’t”
“yes you can!”
“no I can’t”
“do it like this, shift your weight, leg to leg, let you weight to the work”
I was sure I was onto something, I remember discovering this rising up hills on birch road. I would teach this to him.
“your problem is that you are sitting down… it crushes you, you have to stand up and shift your weight, never sit down”
“but dad I can’t”
“yes you can”
The poor kid, he was just a kid, I should have taken him over my shoulder, tickled him, chased him and played tag between the trees or perhaps hide and seek. I should have showed him the different trees, or the hunters and their tree stands, the different birds. Should have pulled him into my arms and smelled his hair and raised him up to the sky. I should have just made that my work out, lifting him up over and over again above my head until he laughed asking me to let him go, "let me down, let me down!" I should have done so many things. All the things I didn’t do. He deserved it and more.
(I remember now on his birthday, taking him and some of the kids spending the night out into the woods. There was around 6 of these little whipper-snappers, I had the only flash light… we walked out into the night, into the woods, across the river. There was this scream of frogs, the frogs where ever where, jumping out and mating all over the place, on the street, on the path, just making all sorts of noise the filled our ears and night. I remember some of the smarter kids laughing at the mating rituals. They knew what was going on… Gavin didn’t know, and was asking, what is so funny. I did the only thing I could think of… I turned off the flashlight, the only source of light. The cool kids got nervous and where all in front and Gavin was right next to me, and I said, “let’s mess with them”… he was in on it… and I acted like we lost the light… “did you hear that”… “what?” “nothing” Gavin holding onto my shirt giggling. “keep on walking, we can get of here, don’t boys, I know my way out!” we moved and moved through the darkness. After about 5 mins the imaginations kicked in… “did you hear that?” “don’t’ worry boy’s this is my back woods, no need to worry” “but did you hear that Mr. James?” “relax”)
And then I let out the biggest animal scream I could and ever would let out and they just went nuts. Running and screaming and scared.
My son, and his legs hurt, and I didn’t get it, but I got these other moments, I just got 50% of what I should have gotten… now that I am older I am maybe getting 60% with Finn and Reilly. It hurts and feels good at the same time over and over again.
I think about the woods behind our Kodiak house. How we could just transition out into it. Kim picking berries off of the train and placing them into Finn’s mouth.
So anyway, this was the song that kept playing over again when I was running out in the woods, Remember, there was four… but I will start with the one that I remember the most that keeps playing in my head..
Rowboat: Beck
Rowboat, row me to the shore
She don't wanna be my friend no more
She dug a hole in the bottom of my soul
She don't wanna be my friend no more
Pick me up, give me some food to eat
In your truck, goin' no place
I'll be home talkin' to nobody
You'll be strange, you'll be far away
Big fat moon and my body's out of tune
With the burnin' waves she's a billion years away
Dogfood on the floor and I've been like this before
She is all and everything else is small
Pick me up, give me some alcohol
In your truck, playin' the radio
I'll be home with the gasoline
You'll be stoned, you'll be far away
Rowboat, row me to the shore
She don't wanna be my friend no more
She dug a hole in the bottom of my soul
She is all and everything else is small
Song 2
Pact Like Sardines In A Crushed Tin Box: Radiohead
After years of waiting nothing came
As your life flashed before your eyes
You realize
I'm a reasonable man
Get off, get off, get off my case (x2)
I'm a reasonable man
Get off my case
Get off my case
After years of waiting
After years of waiting nothing came
And you realize you're looking,
Looking in the wrong place
I'm a reasonable man
Get off my case (x2)
I'm a reasonable man
Get off my case (x2)
I'm a reasonable man
Get off my case (x3)
After years of waiting
You're a reasonable man
Get off our case (x3)
I'm a reasonable man,
Get off my case (x3)
I'm a reasonable man,
Get off my case (x3)
I'm a reasonable man,
Get off my case (x3)
Song 3
This Must Be the Place: Talking Heads
Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me around
I feel numb, born with a weak heart
Guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground, head in the sky
It's okay, I know nothing's wrong, nothing
I got plenty of time
You got light in your eyes
And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money, always for love
Cover up and say goodnight, say goodnight
Home, is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home, she lifted up her wings
I guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from the other
I find you, or you find me?
There was a time before we were born
If someone asks, this is where I'll be, where I'll be
We drift in and out
Sing into my mouth
Out of all those kinds of people
You got a face with a view
I'm just an animal looking for a home
And share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I'm dead
Eyes that light up
Eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me on the head
Song 4
Song 2: Blur
Woo-hoo
Woo-hoo
I got my head checked
By a jumbo jet
It wasn't easy
But nothing is
No
Woo-hoo
When I feel heavy-metal
And I'm pins and I'm needles
Well, I lie and I'm easy
All the time but I'm never sure
Why I need you
Pleased to meet you
I got my head down
When I was young
It's not my problem
It's not my problem
Woo-hoo
When I feel heavy-metal
And I'm pins and I'm needles
Well, I lie and I'm easy
All the time but I am never sure
Why I need you
Pleased to meet you
Yeah yeah
Yeah yeah
Yeah yeah
Oh yeah
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