9/4/2003

 

an interview of amber kiker

 

amber says:

before we start I just want to tell you it is an honor for me that you of all people not only want to sleep with me but interview me as well. the baby is fine.

james says:

If we were to have a child, name some of the characteristics (i will be over here dling coldplay)

amber says:

the words stout, hairy, bowl full of jelly come to mind

james says:

lets talk literature, but instead we will use the word, "lit" like we are hip collee students, "hey, i am a lit major" sort of shit.

amber says:

do you remember that book "Are you there God, its me Margaret"? yeah, that was a good one. I learned so much about my period and lack of boobs, that I too was not alone.

james says:

name some authors that you like, and explain to me while all your favorites are men, and then explain to me while men are better writers in general, and that since you are a great writer, and hairy, does that make you a man?

amber says:

I see where your going with this and the answer is Pi squared.

james says:

no, the answer is "4" but close

amber says:

Judy Blume baby. You know we all loved her. Fifth grade would never have been the same.

james says:

when i say the words, "the train runs over the camel but is derailed by the gnat" what do you think

amber says:

is this interview going to be long?

james says:

listen sister, answer the questions

amber says:

that was my answer.

james says:

train, camel, gnat, and the relatively unsafe modes of urban transportation

amber says:

did you see Brittany kiss Madonna? Does that make her gay? If I were to have found that quasi-erotic does that make me gay?

james says:

your sister likes gay (men) porn, does that make me gay?

amber says:

only if you play "pin the macho on the man" at a bachelorette party

james says:

i didnt play it, but i cut out the penis'

amber says:

camel, I pick the camel.

james says:

what do you think of wrldmrine, and why do you think we are the masters of what we do?

amber says:

well, its the guestroom that does it for me.

james says:

What do you think of Chris Holland, and James "Colby" Holland, and James Spillane? And the fact that are names are all intertwined, but Colby [moldy] doesnít matter and Chris is a fag, therefore I am the victor right?

amber says:

The simplicity of the lettering, the way you can pretend to be other people, the running jokes and Colby. Mostly Colby.

amber says:

um....I have this pressing engagement between me and a dungeonus crab. Are we there yet?

james says:

well i was sort of hoping for an interview, but your A-D-D must be kicking in

amber says:

(stripping off my microphone like Tom Cruise in Magnolia) This interview is over!

amber says:

james....?

james says:

i thought you were gone

amber says:

that was tom.

james says:

are you with me, are you with us, "you are one of us now remy" are you with wrldmrine, will you have sex with me?

amber says:

yes, yes....yes....yes...and sure why not.

james says:

why don't you ask me some questions to ask you

amber says:

Good idea Barbara.

amber says:

is this like the matrix scene where I have to choose between the blue pill and the red?

amber says:

ok....amber, have you always been this strikingly beautiful?

amber says:

yes.

james says:

do you still want me to perform this interview Barbara Walters style with a lisp, even though it is being conducted via messenger?

amber says:

I have heard you have many sisters....are they as beautiful and witty as yourself?

amber says:

no

amber says:

wes.

amber says:

wes I would wike you to.

james says:

well then, what languages to do speak?

amber says:

English German and the horizontal mambo, although sometimes in church I do get overtaken by some higher power and have been witnessed to speaking tongues

james says:

are you going to learn Spanish, i wanted to learn Spanish today, but instead decided to interview you.

amber says:

si.

james says:

have you been listening to old time relijun?

amber says:

si.

amber says:

my mom says I have to go now and eat dinner.

james says:

you live with your mom?

amber says:

so do you.

james says:

only losers live with their moms

amber says:

and I have a job.

amber says:

do YOU have a job?

james says:

wldmrine, and you, those are my jobs

james says:

chris pays me with hand jobs...

james says:

that is chris' job

amber says:

ah yes....Chris. Chris Holland. Chris from the plateau. Chris with really big hands...

james says:

Chris who plays fantasy football and speaks down upon masses from way up on his plateau, and doesnít have enough time for worthless endeavors like wrldmrine, even though we are genius, and could bust him out of meager social economic pockets

amber says:

yeah. Thatís the guy.

amber says:

I can smell the crab in the kitchen beckoning me to its tasty pleasure..

amber says:

well Barbara, its been fun but my mom is giving me dirty looks, looks that could mean "move out of my house" or "eat your dinner" or "are you talking to your loser boyfriend again"

amber says:

say goodnight gracie.

james says:

good night gracie

amber says:

I love you (and i say that to all my interviewers)

james says:

piss off