As I am getting older there are so many more things I don’t like as much as I liked them when I was young. I think I must have had some chemical imbalance when I was younger, or I was sociopathic, every experience, everything I did seemed new to me. My mind was always buzzing, ever girl, every sight, every piece of art, every city… every night, every breakfast, every dinner, every drink, every hour was awesome to me.

One of the big things was my body, I loved to use it, really move it… I would run and jump and play basketball, skateboard, football, run, fuck, race, flip… all these things too would some how release all these weird chemicals in my brain, I was always walking around like this weird Tony Robbins “fuck yeah” sort of guy… I walked so much around as the fuck yeah guy that I over compensated as the “Dark Guy” I wrote dark poems, dark stories, said I have been in dark places, but really it was all fucking awesome, I loved every minute of it.

but now as I am getting older, I am not as interested in playing soccer, football, basketball, skateboarding, I still have snowboarding, but even that is not as addictive as it was, and the only reason I think it was now, looking back, was it because of nature?

There was something about just being out in it, owning it. I like to do things and be in places where I think, “not too many humans have ever done this” maybe that is it?

I will tell you all the things that are still here, after the endorphins of youth. (Kids, family nature). I enjoy reading, I enjoy writing, I enjoy drinking, I enjoy sex… but I really enjoy nature… there is something about it still, as all the other experiences have dulled to me a bit, even running and exercise which would always jack me up, something about getting outside and hiking with my family is still there. I feel connected, grounded. If you where to ask me what it is like to die right now and think about all the things you would think about in those moments.

I would just think about my family, my mother rubbing my hair as I went to sleep, my father and his voice and security throughout all my life, I would think of my sisters, my sons, holding them and reading to them, one on each arm, I would think of Kim, but most I would think of hiking in Alaska… as it was some mother to all of the things we are trying to do, as if it is here saying,

“let me know how that is working out for you?”

And the door is always open

I am lucky to live here.