I always felt like all of that and nothing at the same time.
Don’t know how to explain it.
When I was younger I felt bigger than I ever was, now that I am getting older I feel less.
It was like when I was younger I was giving myself the benefit of the doubt, now that I am older I am giving my doubt the benefit.
It feels like doubt
When you are young it is easy, you can out read, out jump, out run, out fuck anything out there. but in your 40’s it is different. I think my thing is all my parents died. Young.
I was driving into Nashville with Bryan and he was listening to some self help tape and they said, “you are worthy of love”
I can have my mother come back to life, my father come back to life, I still don’t feel like I am ready for this for my kids now and my wife now.
They can tell me all day long they love me… it is like this connection I cannot make.
A cloud or shadow that I can not break through. It has never been enough. The money is good, the life is good, the TV is good, the yard is good, the kids are good, the bunk bed is good, the time alone, the time with… I am off more of the times than people work, I make more money that I could ever dream of, Nothing. Nothing.
It seems like my mother and father were more important than I gave them credit for.
Look at me now.
I didn’t know them leaving would be like this
Oh by the way the pain is big. Get ready for that one. I used to think break ups were hard until I got divorced, I used to think divorce was big, until death of my parents. It is big, the only balancing scale you have is your kids with their eyeglasses and riding bicycles and camping trips to Eklutna.
It should pick up pretty soon. perhaps a video.