Things I learned on the job


1. cut your fingernails off, then whittle them down to the flesh, then scrape away at the cuticles until they too are all gone, and wonder why you finger nails are still black

2. gooks spooks and spics

3. a conversation with Darrel after figuring out that I only get paid 17 dollars an hour when I thought is was $20

“I mean, I can’t believe he told me 20 than paid me 17... I have bills you know, and this job is dangerous, I mean, I could cut off one of my fingers on that table saw over there. That never happens sitting behind a desk!”

Darrel pipes in: “or you can get your fingers chopped off while roofing, take a step back and fall to the great mother earth, also known as THE ROCK and snap your back in half... with mounting medical bills find out that you wife is fucking around with you on this huge black dude...”

Darrel than began to slam his hammer against a stud, but as far as I could tell, there was no nail.

4. Wear gloves and rubber boots when throwing down some crete. Also, avoid rubbing your hair.

5. if you do rub your hair and happen to notice that around 49 percent of you flesh has dissolved, vinegar apparently neutralizes this


“Because lime is the active ingredient in concrete... don’t you remember that movie fight club?”

6. show up early

7. Lunch is one of the most important events... plus the tool belt you bought at home depot is gay and you hammer is small, very small!

8. if you cut up some boards at an angle, make sure you put the blade back to ZERO

9. athletic tape is the best for gushing wounds, it stops the bleeding, mixes with the sweat and molds to your hand, allowing you to keep working and stop bleeding all over the cedar trim

10. don’t bleed all over wood that cost more than your hourly wage

11. Call everyone a cock sucking fag at lest 5 times a day...

12. Spit a lot... or pack on in if you have it in you.