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380
name - Jersey Mike
email -
2/10/2004 4:40:01 AM
comment -
Is it only me who has trouble with incompetent idiots who have the job of selling stuff via mail order?
I ordered a couple of posters from the website Allposters.com about a month ago. Again, go online, type out the order form, put in the credit card information and naively assume that my card will be charged and I'll receive my over-priced posters. Not so. Three days later I receive an email telling me to verify my credit card information. Now wait, thinks I, verify what? I gave them the damn information. I thought, what the hell, just do what the idiots request. So I do. I assume the posters are in the mail. Yippee! More shit to hang on the wall!! Nope. 4-5 days later I get another email that asks me to verify my visa card AND my address. Granted, I do have an unusual address. Its an overseas military one and instead of a city and state, I put in "APO AE". Now I really doubt that I am the first guy with a military address to order a poster from the Allposters (no brains) company. But I cut to the chase. I replied.
"Dear Mister Allposters person: I ordered these posters well over a week ago and still they are not in the mail. I often order books from Amazon.com, skimpy underwear from Fredricks of Hollywood, and various other things from otehr places in the states. Never ever ever has anyone asked me to verify my visa card number after a few days, only to ask again after a few more days. If this mail order business is too much for you. If you cannot handle the fact that people give you lots of money for very little work, then please declare bankruptcy because that is where you're heading anyway! If I don't hear from you within 24 hours, I will assume that you chose that route and that my credit card will not be charged. Good luck in your future career."
An hour later I received a reply and was told that the order has been shipped. This was over a week ago. I'm still waiting. Stand by for an update in the probably distant future...
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379
name - R.
email -
2/10/2004 1:10:59 AM
comment -
My dear Mickey,
Pissoir,
R.
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378
name - spillane
email - spillane@wrldmrine.com
2/9/2004 10:09:24 PM
comment -
"R." why don't you sound off like you have a pair. sign your name and leave an address so we can respond.
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377
name - R.
email - info@microsoft.com
2/9/2004 9:09:36 PM
comment -
I have live in England (when I must dodge).
In London I have learn one word:
WANKER.
Perhaps, this is a fingersnail in your heart.
Are you the suicidal?
(In Seattle, I am knowing many must die.}
It is only waters falling from the sky.
Croque monsieur,
R.
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376
name - chris
email -
2/9/2004 11:56:24 AM
comment -
pay no attention to rich. do not listen to what he says.
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375
name - r
email -
2/9/2004 11:33:59 AM
comment -
happy birthday biatch. heard you got a real manly present this year. you must have borrowed some of that extra estrogen from tiff... might as well start wearing f-me pumps and a pink skirt.
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374
name - mike halby
email -
2/9/2004 12:04:01 AM
comment -
fuck me sideways i love that last post.
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373
name - Jersey Mike
email -
2/7/2004 11:55:05 AM
comment -
I just ordered some books from Barnes and Noble online. I'm sat here with my laptop on my lap (original!), selected the books (some more Bukowski and one on North American snakes for Rebecca) and sent the order. Immediately I received a confirmation email. Cool, I thought! Thirty seconds I received another email saying they couldn't ship the order because "your credit card issuer will not approve this charge". What the fuck, I thought! The email said to call B&N within 7 days otherwise they wouldn't send Rebecca's snake book. So I called. "blah blah blah blah" said the moaning recorded lady voice. Then, "for English press 1, for Spanish (in Spanish) press 2. I opted for the dominant language (English.. geez). Then more bullshit from the robot lady. For this press this plus the #. For this press this and then the #. Then its "type in your order number". Then "type in your zip code." Eventually some silly cow comes on and she really sounds like a real person! Woah!!! I explained the emails. She said, "can I have your account number." I said that I just typed the damn thing in. She was unphased. "Your zip code" she said. What?? I typed that in! "Why of fucking why do you ask me for the same fucking information that I provided ten seconds ago if I have to give it to you again", says I. "I don't know", she said. So I gave her the info and she said... "hmmmm, the order was placed and will be sent tomorrow." "What!!! You fucking stupid bitch!!! So I have to call because I was threatened with not getting Chinaski's books and then you go and tell me the order had been placed!" "Sir, calm down", she said. "Lady, fuck off", I said, "and send my daughter's fucking snake book too!"
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372
name - spillane
email -
2/7/2004 1:17:41 AM
comment -
i haven't even started yet... you should see the jet set shEt i have lined up. it takes time/ you know it takes/ ten years to go go go tequlia
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371
name - chris
email -
2/5/2004 4:16:23 PM
comment -
i am taking donations to put more RAM in the wrldmrine web server to handle amber's postings to the guestbook. every night around 2 a.m., i hear the server starting to wail as lights in the neigborhood start to dim.
its either that, or someone on the NAMBLA message board hearing about the "let me know when you are ready" video for the first time.
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370
name - Jersey Mike
email - adubato@skynet.be
2/5/2004 8:20:55 AM
comment -
I went to the library today to find some Bukowski books because I've read and re-read the ones I forked over hard earned cash for.
I couldn't figure out how to work the modern-day version of the card catalog, the modern digital dewey system. Its in a computer now. Find the libraries catalog program. Find the space to type in the titles or the authors or even that ISBN #. I'm sure everybody knows the ISBN numbers of their favorite books.
So I asked for help from the Eastern European librarian-like lady. She said its easy. I said everything is easy when you know how. But she didn't show me. She asked me for the ISBN #. I smiled. I asked, how about the guy's name. She said OK. And I spelled it for her. B-U-K-O-W-S-K-I. He's Polish, she said. I don't think he was aware of that, I said. First name, she said. Charles, I said. Henry Charles or Charles, she said. There's a Henry, is his name Henry, she said. Sometimes, I said. Chinaski. What, she said. Nothing. Just Charles, I said. There's one in German and there're two in French. None in English, she said.
That's OK, I said. I'll read my own books.
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369
name - Julie Calder
email - julia.calder@shape.nato.int
2/5/2004 7:10:04 AM
comment -
Hi Amber
Glad to hear that you're settled and enjoying yourself. Emilie is really growing and loves to talk and Tom's just Tom!! He's waiting for the soccer season to commence next month. Keep us posted with your news.
Julie
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368
name - Jersey Mike
email - adubato@skynet.be
2/5/2004 6:42:05 AM
comment -
Hello Ms. Kiker! Belgium misses you too. It hasn't been the same since you left. The whole country seems a bit quieter. I seem to have more cheese around the house though, but the sun just doesn't set the same and my cigars burn slower. Come back!!!
I'll pass on your greetings to the Calders. Email to follow...
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367
name - ak
email -
2/5/2004 3:22:59 AM
comment -
By the way, HELLO Mr. Adubato! How are you? email me homely...er homey. Amber_kiker@hotmail. Would love to hear about whats going on back home. I miss Belgium (believe it or not. I miss hanging out outside your house watchin' the sun set eating salmon and good cheese.... Drinking and ofcourse you can't forget those cigars! Tell Derek and Julie Calder hello for me would ya?!
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366
name - as per your request spillane...ak
email -
2/5/2004 2:24:23 AM
comment -
Wiz kid extraodinare, puts on glasses, raises dutsy old book to reading level and begins speaking into the microphone.........
"RECOMPENSE
Def: To return an equivalent for; to give compensation for; to atone for; to pay for.
To give in return; to pay back; to pay, as something earned or deserved.
Recompense to no man evil for evil. --Rom. xii. 17.
To me belongeth vengeance, and recompense. --Deut. xxii. 35.
Explanation as requested by spillane:
Guy running in the snow in "its a wonderful life" desperately seeking atonement for his deeds.
Mind frame of Ebenezer Scrooge after the ghost of christmas future slaps him with a reality check.
James Spillane alone with his thoughts and wine on a cold mountain writing about past transgressions with newfound enlightenment.
Recompence."
I probably shouldn't throw stones.
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365
name - r
email -
2/4/2004 6:30:41 PM
comment -
Chris you have a small penis. Not that I was looking.
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364
name - ak
email -
2/4/2004 5:36:30 PM
comment -
"In My Living Room" has its abstract moments.
I can see you there, drinking out of some bottle of white wine (probably with a butterfly on its label) and listening to Sharko while your fingers tap tap tap away into a stream of words remeniscent of better times, happier moments, pictures of a life taken for granted flashing through your mind like a rustic old film reel...
I know what this is! This is a scene from "Its a Wonderful Life". This is recompence. This is running down the street in the snow all black and white, Tiny Tim wishing you a merry christmas, angels getting their wings, Ebenezer's epiphany! You love your mother. You are no longer a victim. Date rape is bad. Your son is safe. Wine just makes it come easier.
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363
name - ak
email -
2/4/2004 5:06:38 PM
comment -
james, your long and confusing story/journal/intro thing has made me even more scatterbrained than I was before reading it. I must now go wash out my cerebral cortex with a bottle scrubber.
Do you need to borrow my meds? Is the mountain getting to you? Do you proof-read your posts? Please call me if you need help getting out of that wine bottle you fell into.
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362
name - ak
email -
2/4/2004 1:32:05 PM
comment -
chris, i had to do something, that was a pretty sweet burn you made. maybe i should go to the chris holland school of comedy. I save the penis jokes for james.
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361
name - chris
email -
2/4/2004 8:35:18 AM
comment -
at least you didn't say i have a small penis.
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360
name - Jersey Mike
email -
2/4/2004 8:25:32 AM
comment -
Amber - you actually DELIVER pancakes?!?!?!! What time must I get my order in if I want them delivered to my door in Masnuy St. Pierre, Belgium by 7 am tomorrow morning? With the powdered sugar, of course.
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359
name - amber and chris
email -
2/4/2004 5:11:01 AM
comment -
chris, I don't "make" the pancakes, I merely deliver. I am in fact, below the pancake maker in the cast of service industry personnel. Right next to dishwasher and illegal immigrant farm hand. To give you a meter as to the total irrelavance of my productivity in the human spectrum, here is a list of other jobs (as unworthy as my own), to which I could possibly do a "lateral tranfer" to in the future should the "pancake delivery service" not work out:
Bathroom attendant at your favorite yuppy resteraunt "The Mongolian Grill".
Hooters girl to entertain you on your "guys night out from the old ball and chain, lets get only marginally drunk and watch football until oh, say six o'clock cause the misses might get upset if we stay out any longer rehashing our, what used to be, exciting bachelor lives of reckless abandon and casual sex.
Meter maid with a grudge against SUV's and liscence plates from suburbial shengrala.
Schwann foods delivery driver to bring your loved ones those weekly frozen dinner specials for "Family Yatzee" friday nights.
Seven eleven cashier for daddy's funny smelling cokes on said family nights.
Catering assistant at Microsoft's annual "come out and show off your matching styles while desperately seeking individuality accompanied by approval from your cubical leaders" (see bathroom attendant for brown nose removal at the Mongolian grill afterparty)
City Coroner's attendant to watch over your early departed body at the mortuary after massive stroke induced by eating too much MSG, having too little sex with too few women, and a wicked staff infection from sucking so much corporate ass.
(You'll just have to enjoy that new Hummer in heaven my friend.)
And of course lets not forget prostitution. But that's just not an option for me. I could never bring myself to sell out like THAT! Geez, I'd rather work for a fortune five hundred company and sell my childhood dreams of being a rodeo clown for a 401K!
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358
name - Jersey Mike
email -
2/4/2004 3:06:14 AM
comment -
Hey James, good write-up there. I would love to meet that posterboard. Perhaps the board should be posted onto the site. Well, a picture of the board at least. I have often contemplated visiting places that started and ended with the letter "a". You must have read my feeble mind.
Chris - what's new with the site? I thought you might have added a "bad poetry" page or some music, like in the old days.
Amber - just keep being Amber.
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357
name - spillane
email -
2/3/2004 3:51:39 PM
comment -
that was good
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356
name - chris
email -
2/3/2004 2:20:34 PM
comment -
and i ordered my pancakes with powdered sugar, not maple syrup. now who's embarrassed? it's amazing you ever made it through pancake school.
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